See and be Seen

Not sure what is about to come out of me, but I felt like I needed to just sit down and write it all out. It may be my Virgo sun and this Virgo moon. I know enough about astrology to see a lot of my musings right now are Virgo themes.

As a 5/1 I find myself entering into the space of my heart in a different way. I am not sure when why or how it happened, but in my need to be perfect and be validated, I hardened my heart and pushed many people away.

I wanted to be liked and chosen. I wanted the positive attention. I didn’t want to risk being the Heretic. If I could be just different enough to be cool then that was my ideal. I hate homogenization and being controlled, but I do JUST enough to be on the EDGE before I became the OUTLIER.

As a high Achiever and perfectionist I find that even tho I tell myself I am awesome and good enough, my actions don’t always reflect that. Which tells me there are deeper things going on beneath the surface.

I like validation and the pat on the back but it often doesn’t reach my depths for me to feel it deeply. I crave it superficially because deep down there somewhere I don’t believe it myself. A part of me believes it’s not good enough. Not worthy of praise. I need to do better, be better and prove myself to others as if the “right amount” of recognition and approval will let more of me come outside of the box.

Maybe a part of me knows that the projection field is strong in the 5th line and I’ve adapted to reading people really well to know how to show up to be accepted. I feel like I haven’t met myself FULLY. how can you know what authentic expression is if you have been expressing what and how others wanted you to?

I have observed myself finding the strongest energy in the room and reading their energy, Facial expressions and body language to adjust how I show up. I’ve done it (and do it) sometimes in partnerships with people I choose to co-create with (life, business, etc).

I actually DONT really enjoy competition unless I know I will “win” at it. if we are playing THAT game

Pressurized competition is even more unnerving for me. The pressure of the win.
And as a perfectionist I’ve noticed it can be hard to master something if it doesn’t come naturally. I don’t like to fail. Most people don’t enjoy it. Enjoying failure is something we are learning to do because it’s not conditioned in us socially or genetically to enjoy failing because that would not be conducive for survival. Failure equals death in most instances in the animal kingdom especially.

But there is ALWAYS something to learn from it. As long as we dont make the failure mean something about our worth, the experience of failing holds the energy to WIN in a way you werent originally expecting. Our expectations create the perceived failure. And when you change your perspective the outcome can also change.

So what I am doing now is looking at this competition energy and seeing its all the power seeking of the 5th line. To be the leader to be at the top. The competition to be the ruler. Shadow 5th line energy feels like shadow manifestor energy. And some of those powerful manifestors and 5/1s of the past were so tyrannical. I wonder if this discovery in me and the coming healing is healing the lineage of the misuse of POWER in the past. Most likely so. So I’ll keep going.

We have heard of those leaders who ruled by fear and not respect. The history books tell us of power hungry rulers who would conquer or exploit anyone to have more of that power (through land, through money, through whatever currency was of value). To be in the presence of this energy generated a lot of fear in those “below” them. Because of the corruption of the leaders, survival tactics needed to be adapted. Everyone knew if the “king” was displeased with you it was “off with your head.” Worth was determined by how useful you could be to the “head hancho”. So you better recognize where you were in the pecking order and get in line. Or be brave enough to stand up against “the man” and face the backlash.

The rebellion tends to come where there is enough pressure for those to rise in reaction. Some fell and collapsed and others rose to fight. Which is why war is a constant theme in our history and present. The reactors (anger expressed out) doing what they do best. Reacting.

What we see now in the media is all these emotionally manipulative tactics to get people to either feel pitty/sad or angry about something. History books have showed us that people make change when they FEEL something they don’t like. They don’t tend to sit with their OWN feelings. They want to blame their emotional response on someone or something else. Find the source. Name it. Eliminate it. Usually all external. They look for solutions to eliminate the bad feeling. It can’t possible be something within THEMSELVES to resolve. No no no.

It’s not actually altruistic this reacting. Rising up to SAVE another is actually perpetuating the victim, perpetrator, savior triangle. What is really wanting to be saved are parts of yourself. But what is crazy to me is seeing how much power the MEDIA has to spin a narrative to get the desired emotional response which then garners SUPPORT for whatever action they are taking.

Follow me for a second…
The powers that be want to pursue something and have an agenda to get their own desired result. They want their people to be FOR them and good little “slaves” so they spin a story (true or false, it doesn’t matter) to show the PART they want you to emotionally react to. We never get the WHOLE truth. Just the parts that will get you on their side. This is the 26 gate selling you the story. White lies. Blatant lies, half truths. Whatever SELLS. If the majority supports the decision then there will be no uprising against the people in charge.

We can play out this game INSIDE of us too. Macro and micro, right ?

And if my external pattern was to find the loudest or most powerful energy in the room and placate to it then that must be happening in me too, right ?

Let me give a personal example:
When i woke up to the question “who am i?” I was so upset with how far away from ME I believed I drifted. I went on a quest to find this me i thought i lost. Somehow i felt like it was stolen. I was angry and upset and instead of taking responsibility for my “failure” i looked for what to blame.

In REACTION to this “loss of power” i looked for the enemy (who ended up being everyone but me. My husband the most). I also tried to escape the reality i cocreated by running off into business to find myself there. I MUST be able to find myself in business. Thats what life’s about right? Finding your purpose and making a career out of it and contributing to society?

This was my rebellion.

This was my pattern interrupt. I did all the “shoulds” ! Get married. Get a degree. Have kids. Live the dream.
I woke up when the pressure I was placing on the outside world to make me happy couldn’t fill my gaping hole. Why am I not happy? I must find happiness because there has to be something wrong with my circumstances and environment here and it can’t be ME. Right? It must be them. Success and significance must be what will make me happy, right ?

Power is what I want, right ? Oh my, how that lineage runs deep.

Maybe the leaders of the past were just so deeply unhappy with themselves that they lost touch of humanity, became narcissists and climbed the ladder of success thinking the TOP somehow held the view to see it all. Maybe the magic pill or potion of happiness is on top of the mountain. The only view you get on top are the bodies you stepped on to get there. Leadership without humanity and compassion (among other important things) is called LONELY AT THE TOP.

Anyways…

My ego center was SO COMMITTED AND I HAD SO MUCH WILLPOWER to find my success and significance so i could reclaim the life i thought had passed me by. The life i thought i lost or was stolen from me. I was in a frenzy to catch up and find what I’d lost.
So I joined a company and tried to make it there. Failed. Didn’t get the success and significance I was looking for. Started the entrepreneurial journey. Failed to get success and significance there. Succeeded at finding my talents and passions. Succeeded at doing things I’ve never done before. Learned ALOT.

I even found myself donating my time for a non profit and branding their volunteer division. They happened to be a company that rescues victims of sex trafficking — a sector i kept being curiously drawn to. It had such a magnetic pull on my life. I even tho I MUST have some sexual trauma hidden somewhere in my past. My reaction to this perceived loss of innocence led me to a cause like that nonprofit because somehow I felt I HAD to save the children who lost their innocence too.

Somehow the thing I was battling was the seriousness in me and how I stole my OWN innocence by rushing through life to “get there.” Missing out on my own childhood thru misuse of my willpower and drive to serve ME to do well in school and get recognition and validation and then i in turn keeping this same pattern and missing lots of my 3 boys’ first years. I forced my own self to grow up too fast mentally and leaving my other parts behind. Filling my life with MORE and not growing emotionally and spiritually. That’s what always led to failures. Failure to Thrive is what happens when unchecked and unbalanced growth in one area of your life takes over (53 core wound / vocation).

We have 21 years to incarnate into this human body. We have (3) seven-year-cycles to mature physically, emotionally and mentally.

It wasn’t until I found gene keys and human design that I was later able to GO WITHIN and travel back in time to help those parts of me that needed maturation as they were left behind as my mind came online and ran lots of the show. Including the body and maturing emotionally. But it was a VERY mental process in the beginning.

Initially, I became obsessed with bettering myself and finding all the shadows in me. Still reacting to this “loss of innocence,” being so hard on myself (and others) and judging everything in my life (IQ 18).

It took YEARS for me to decondition enough to see my own corruption. To see my reactions.

What I have been noticing myself do recently that is different is letting myself be in my naturalness and giving me time and space to find the natural rhythm of things for ME. Slowing down a bit. Saying no when my sacral said no when normally I would make MYSELF wrong. Listening to the wisdom of my BODY and not my mind (this was HUGE for me). Also being willing to enter into the resistance to see why the no is so strong and what I may be pushing away and why. I’m genuinely exploring who I am becoming as I soften and open my heart more and more.

I’m letting the parts of me speak who I have shushed over the years because we needed to please the louder energy in the room. Whether that louder energy was another person OR something inside of me who I let run the show. The parts of me that COLLAPSED are now rising. I made a lot of space inside me for the angry and REACTIVE parts of me. But as I’ve been healing those parts, the ones with the quieter cries and deeply wounded parts have become to emerge as the threats of anger inside me have calmed.

My inner landscape has become more hospitable and as I am creating safety inside me. The fragmented parts are coming home to be embraced. I am so freaking proud of myself. The pride, success and significance I’ve been searching for so much outside of me has always been possible inside me. With the deep work I am doing to SEE MYSELF. All parts of me. The weak and the strong. I’m finding my power and Transforming the manipulative parts of me who used power to feed the reactive wound.

There’s a learned and inherited not self theme in all of us. We can find that we carry the lineage of our profile and aura type the most. The profile is 70 percent of your makeup. 5/1 not-self for me translates to that power hungry person seeking leadership to fill a void and appease the deep rage from the projection field. Feeling the pressure to show up, perform, rise, show the way, save.. if these parts are hidden and repressed for us because we have not EMPOWERED ourselves, we can never do it for the other.

The deep work is done within FIRST. I have to show up for myself FIRST. I have to see myself, my worth, recognize my talents, develop my genius, know myself and share myself before during and after the mastery process. I rise within FIRST. I call myself home. Make peace with my parts and unite FIRST. I show the way by listening to MY inner guidance FIRST. and the most important thing for a 5/1 to do is SAVE YOURSELF FIRST. This is crucial. Saving yourself brings you out of the victim. It’s not these systems that saved me. It was my willingness to go within and soften. The systems are the raft and not the destination. I’m grateful for the raft they have been for me. But the shore of my own heart is the ultimate destination.

Now the real work begins as I continue to soften and learn what it means to love me and be me.

Taking radical responsibility for your current state of being shifts you out of the cycle. A 5/1 isn’t here to save, we are here to lead you back home to yourself so you can save yourself and then LEAD yourself. No one knows what’s best for you besides you. There are no more LEADERS, JUST ROLE MODELS. and hopefully these role models inspire you to go your own way. No need to follow their path unless it leads you back into yourself.

My hope is that by being intimate and vulnerable with you, sharing my inner workings and journey, that it will inspire you to soften to intimacy within yourself too.

Lets SEE AND BE SEEN together.

Ashley