*I have Gene Key 22 in the sphere of my Purpose. For this post, I will weave my story in between relevant quotes taken directly from Richard Rudd on GK 22.
“The 22nd shadow is one of the most powerful emotional Shadow gene Keys in the human genome. It is highly passionate and sexual with a huge emotional range encompassing extreme highs of sweetness and extreme lows of violence.”
One of my parents is an alcoholic. As a child, I experienced the rage and despair of this parent on an almost daily basis. As a child with an open Solar Plexus center, these strong and scary emotions were too much for me to handle or understand. Every time this parent was drunk they could become out of control. After experiencing first-hand how painful strong emotions can be when used to shame or blame another, I repressed my shadow of dishonor – I was determined to NEVER be anything like this parent. I would never lose my shit and scream at someone else.
“The fear of the 22nd shadow is the fear of losing control.”
This was the beginning of my suppressing any and all emotions – of always appearing calm and collected on the outside regardless of what my internal emotional state was. I repressed this parent and they became one of my subpersonalities – the part of me that wished they could tell everyone to fuck off, the part of me that had no patience for anyone or anything else. This parent was a monster, and this monster was a part of me – a part that I buried deep down where it could not hurt anyone, the way that this parent had hurt me.
“The 22nd Gene Key is about the Truth of redemption. To those of a strong intellectual bias it will inevitably seem fantastic or romantic since it concerns the direct intervention of the Divine in the ordinary world.”
Eventually, after many years of suppressing my emotions I could no longer feel any emotion, be it “positive” or “negative”. By the age of 16 I was in a major depressive state, which lasted for 2 years. At the age of 18, after years of wishing to no longer be alive, I was saved by the touch of divine grace. One morning I woke up, and out of the blue, felt the first emotion I had felt in many years. That emotion was love for every human being on earth. After this experience my depression lifted, and I became interested in God.
“But to subdue any state or feeling is to dishonour and distrust that feeling….one of the tricks of the 22nd shadow is to con you into trying to change or fix your moods, rather than allowing them to simply pass through your system naturally. The fact is that you cannot reach higher states of consciousness without first passing through your own suffering.”
I now had access to my emotional body again, but it would be another decade or so before I learned how to take responsibility for my own feelings. It was during my 1st Saturn return, while reading Eckhart Tolle’s, New Earth, that I came to understand that I was not a victim of anyone else and how they made me feel. By going through many episodes or emotional turmoil, I learned to stop giving my power away. I learned that I had a choice about how to view and look at my own internal states. But still being in the shadow state of dishonour, I used spiritual egoism to shield me from the experience of emotions as they arose within me. I was too “enlightened” to let other people’s actions affect me. I used rationalization to deal with ill or inappropriate treatment from others. This kept my emotional body safe – unable to be affected by the actions or words of anyone. But I could not remain in the state of dishonouring my feelings forever.
“This profound awareness of Karma means that a great deal of your work in life will lie in the sphere of relationships and the emotions.”
At the age of 35, I came down with a mystery illness that would force me to go deeply within myself. For me, this was, and could only be accomplished through a coinciding spiritual awakening. During this awakening fears surrounding my past-life death surfaced within my body. These fears surfaced over and over again, and acted as a form of torture that brought me to my knees- praying to the angels for either help, or deliverance from life itself. It was this experience that forced me into feeling. This torture was in fact activating my North Node energies of Cancer (emotions) and Libra/7th house (relationships). In these moments of intense fear all I wanted was for someone to hold me and make me feel safe. It was then that I learned about how dependent I actually was on other people to meet my emotional needs. After this catalyzing experience, the floodgates were opened, and for the first time in my life I was now taking responsibility for my emotions and feeling them as well.
“With the gift of graciousness, you begin to disperse your own Karma and that of your ancestral DNA.”
It was only recently that I found the courage to share my true feelings with another. This person was my husband, and I made sure to have our daughters witness my sharing. It was very scary; I could feel this sick, heavy feeling come over my whole body. Regardless, I pushed through the fear and I calmly told my husband how his actions the day prior had made me feel. I didn’t become upset or blame him for my feelings. I took complete responsibility for the emotions that arose within me. I was so proud of myself at that moment – I knew that I had just begun the process of undoing many generations worth of unhealthy relatedness patterning. It was now safe to let my inner monster out because I knew I had tamed her and she would not hurt anyone with her own anger, sadness, or fear.
“…the prime teaching of the Venus Sequence concerns showing another human being, through relationship, how to take responsibility for their own feelings instead of projecting them onto others. This ability is the very essence of the 22nd Gift of Graciousness…”
Since taking that initial first step, I have created a weekly circle in my home, where I practice modeling my emotions in a healthy and responsible way, so that my husband and children can benefit from this gift I now hold.